HOLLYWOODBOWL 2010

SO FAR
I AM GOING TO SEE
2PM
AND WONDERGIRLS
2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM

So. Olympics

I looove the Olympics. I guess:
APOLO ANTON OHNO <3 my favorite for 8 years nowwww
JR CELSKI QT PI i hope i get into berkeley just so i could possibly meet you
PATRICK CHAN i will be you fan for manyy years to come
LINDSEY VONNNNNN so much inspiration!

YEP

There is reason to smile again.

Walking towards the buses with my face down, probably narrowly walking into things because I'm pretty bad at texting while walking, and the subject of you came up and Mr Stevens, who I have never talked to before, commented on how big my smile was.
A few weeks ago
Walking with you
Renews my spirit

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT

i don't have anyone to blame but myself
i wish i were braver
i wish this whole pride crap didn't affect me
i wish i could have just had the audacity to say yes. i want to.
THIS ISN'T ANYONE ELSE'S FAULT.
i guess this is all just going to be a lesson that i have to learn to speak up.
it's never been a strong point of mine, but after .. this. and how odd i am feeling right now, i know that i can't let something like this ever, ever happen to me again. ever.

this reminds me of kaitlyn's articles about mixed feelings.
people would get what they wanted more often if only they'd ask. too bad it seems to be such a fucking foreign idea.
i'm sad

DARADIRIDARADUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

CHINO HILLS TODAY.
WE'RE GOING TO WIN.
THAT IS ALL.

SCSCSC

No, not USC. Where a bunch of my friends have gotten scholarships and will probably end up. I didn't apply, which made my dad kind of mad. He's also mad that I didn't apply to any Ivies but then I know that if I did, my other applications would have been shaky. And I'm pretty confident in my essay quality. With the help of cxu at like 3am, I'm pretty sure that each one of my essays actually says something about me. I don't know why I'm thinking about this right now. I wrote one of my personal statements on nail polish and I guess that seems silly but that's my favorite one. I think I'll delete my college app folder after I find out my decisions because seeing little notices of failure on my hard drive is going to suck. So far, pretty much everyone I know has found out about Irvine.. and I haven't. I neurotically check multiple times a day but I've forced myself to limit myself to just one. As if that's not crazy either. I don't know why I digressed onto the subject matter of colleges. I guess it's just that easy. It's like, the one thing everyone in the class of 2010 has in common homg colleges and I'm kind of scared but being patient right now.
I saw Ms Barbour yesterday! She came back from England it was kind of exciting.
So yeah. SC. idk if it's an sc or I'm just too scared to actually like.. get into this kind of mess again. Mess? Maybe. It could be happyhappy but I think it's too late in the game to risk this kind of thing. And I have such a bad track record. And sometimes I feel like the girl in that poem we read in english the other day. It's called "Bitch" but we substitute it with "Cucumber" I feel like the cucumber. I feel too eager and clingy onto what happiness we've had together and I don't think I could ever be your priority, so I'll just be content with what it is. And it's so dumb right now. 4 months and I'm gone.
Time for practice/ valentine'sday/ pichu!

Closure

Months and months ago, I hoped and hoped for gov to make nationals. Because that means that it was right. And you can go, aww, don't say that, but that's what I needed to let go of any :/ kind of feelings that I've been feeling. And now that they made nationals, I'm so happy. Because there's no what-if's. I mean, there still is because I'm sure I would have been good too, but the fact is that, they're amazing without me and I needed to know that. So today is closure.. I'm happy and I can finally let go. I'm just a teensy bit bitter that I probably won't get to hang out with my friends for a while because they're going to be intensely studying for nationals, but now all I'm going to do is cheer them on with everything I've got. Because they've worked so hard lately and they deserve it. So that's my little deal of the day.
Oh, and SC's? I think there are two right now. It's fun. Except one I see every day and the other I rarely rarely see.

it's been a while

got my first acceptance letter today
UC riverside. which.. is kind of my last choice safety but it just felt so good to see CONGRATULATIONS, you have been accepted blahblahblah i don't know why i applied for that major but it's so nice.
and i'm taking that feeling and running with it.

given up on eastcoastdreams

It might sting a little, but I know that I can always walk away from this unscathed.
That's cool.
Alright.

Going to kick ass tomorrow and not let myself down. I'm not going to let down everyone who has believed in me and helped me through this. I wrote down all the formulas I might need and even programmed some into my calculator. I just need to make sure that between when I wake up and the test, nothing slips out of my brain. I worked for this, in the past few months, and I have gotten better. It will be ok. Just trust, no doubt about anything. It all happens for a reason. It's not corny or cliche because that is what I truly believe.

Also. Lately, I have only been truly happy when I am with you. I hope it doesn't stop.

Oh, and I will embrace the 2hr percussion rehearsal tomorrow as a way to get rid of all this pent up anxious energy I have.

AH ANFSSLFKMSFS

GALE GALE GALE GALE GALE GALE GALE GALE GALE GALE <3

Things I don't want to do.

1. Write article. On what, even? I forgot. Actually. I might be into this one-- the mentality behind procrastination. Why we do it. And, as a master procrastinator, I think this article fits me very well. I guess I do want to do this!
2. Write Beloved essay. It's one thing to write an essay. They're usually not too bad unless I procrastinate. But this one is hard because I love my prompt -- water imagery. It's something I could have had so much fun with if only I were free to take the reins with my style and write the way I write. But I can't. It's stifling. It makes it so difficult.
3. Redo all the problems from old calc tests.. Should take like 5 hrs, total :/

I'll be ok.

What the rainy sky is trying to tell you is that you're not the only one.

-- Tablo.

So. I shattered one of my favorite cups today. I don't know where all this angst comes from.

Just ordered Mad as a Hatter <3
Annnd Absolutely Alice
Annnd Kingdom Hearts
Annnd Catching Fire
What a fantastic use of my giftcard. I'm happy.
So. I am going to acquire like... 5 np's in the next week or so. Yay!

Soooooooo both my parents are angers at me and being at home is just so awkward. I feel like.. ostracized. Excommunicated. ): I'm not used to being the one who everyone is unhappy with. I'm always "the good one" and it's never lasted so long before. Hmph. Well I guess.. I'm just keeping in mind that I'll be free of this kind of crap forever in like six months. Won't have to deal with my mom's moodiness or crazy menopausal bipolar tendencies ever again.
That is.. if I do get to go to college :X
But last night was goood. Except for a little fmslkdml kind of stuff. And some TT____TT QQing from me who wished I was down there too. Kat and Christine were the G and the U from GUARD and they were like look, tgu, this is for you. <33333 I lost my ticket but the bandmom who fit me for uniforms kind of subtly slipped me in. I LOVE BAND MOMS omgggg <3 Like, most of them treat me like I'm their own kid. Mmmm. Yeah.
Today I must finish my Beloved essay so tomorrow I will revise revise revise and make it wonderful. Sigh, I wish Lucas liked my writing style ): Because I really.. don't have control over it. Haha I guess I'm not good enough to actually be able to put a stopper on it. :/
Mehhhhhhhhhhhh so stressed, man.

Hm. Random things from secondsemester transferred english freshman year. I think the people in Diaz's class were just insane. Innn a good way. In that I still talk to many of them. But anyway, Band 3 auditions were coming up and Leandro was like practicing his fingering and Tuff and I were talking.. about guard? And we were like somethingsomething flagbag! And Leandro was like oh hey I can play that. Oh wait, I can only play fagbag. And some other time, he was like why is it called a piccolo, shouldn't it be called a picco-high? Kekeke goodtimesss.

Painted my nails with my own franken. I think it looks nice. Next NO5D will be matte'd awaken, I think. Jk idk. But yeah
TDL:
1. FINISH BELOVED ESSAY
2. STUDYYYYYY FOR CALC ):
3. email jackie DI rosterrrrrrr
4. clean room a bit
5. hmmm

take me hand, take my hand, take me back to my land
can't you see, we live in wonder world?
i really am lemming for mad hatter. and grape pop. and heli-yum. and maybe bandwagon on DOID. LOL jk. maybe light as air. sigh. that's like. four! guhguhguh i bet if i go to ulta they won't even have it...... ):
i think next NO5D will be essie funnyface. audrey hepburn? i don't know. but yeah.

you must be tiiiired because you've been running through my mind all dayyy! really.

TDL FOR THE WEEKEND.

1. WRITE AN AMAZING BELOVED ESSAY. some rather asfkmldfmwklecrap happened today and i need to prove that i'm a good writer. that this style is definitely my own and i own it. bring it!
2. CALC STUDY CALC STUDYYY. study group, anyone? if anyone even reads this. gahhhhh. need to do well!
3. paint nails! just because
4. spaghetti dinner tmrw <333
5. going to clean room for like the millionth time because second law of thermodynamics states that nature tends towards entropy and you have to put work in in order to keep it clean
6. practice notes on the piano
7. goal is to learn kh music on piano second semesss
8. relax a little because ms galloway said i looked like i needed it (i do D:)

Hm. I was going to rant and rave about today. Today was not a good day. Actually, today would have been such a nice day if it weren't for damn essssayyyyy. Oh and waking up too early for calc test but i didn't do so badly so I guess it was worth it! And I thought this was going to be my drop test...
Idk lots of amusing things happened today and I would have counted today as a good day! If it were fufdsklmfsklekmls. Ok.
123 time
1. SECURED A IN APCOMPGOV (:
2. got 10% better than normally do on calc test! still pretty bad but hugeass improvement is ok
3. kekeke got to lop out of 4th for a bit because of counselors & watched amusing flyswatter/jenga game <3 miss it so muchhhh
4. jane flo and ro helped me learn notes a bit during lunchh <3 and comforted me keke whoress <3 showerr4l man.
5. ms gallowayyy gave me a hug and i felt lots better. she's kind of amazing
6. sflkms holycrap i always really admired coleen but now my admiration for her has just like escalated soo much
7. walking out of percussion today, flo was like hey tgu don't worry, you'll be the next lady gugu. IDK that was so amusinggg.
8. shoppinggg at pavillion's today for powwow kekee. got soo much food! <3 and a tub of mangoes for myself that were out of season but still mangoes.
9. heh. yeah (:

sfdksklafkmslALKDSMSKML my momm forgot to mail my supp today ughhhhhhhhhhhh. so idk. i guess i will do it tmrw. or go out later. eff.

WOOHOO CALC BLOG!

WOOHOO LAST 7AM TEST EVERRRR TMRW? PROBABLY!
OK. INTEGRALS
So integrals are the opposite of derivatives. The integral sign looks like a funky squiggly seahorse stretched out S thing. It's later than normal so there will probably be lots of strange things in this spiel, but bear with me if you want. The antiderivative way is to basically just like, undo everything, the ones where you can look at the thing and find the integral, like for S sinxdx, you know that the answer must be -cosx + C. And the backwards power rule thing is super helpful but I can't really post that here. Always add C at the end or you will get in trouble! Unless you can solve for C. The indefinite ones, you can't solve for C. If they give you like a point or something, then you can plug it into find C.
PVA problems in this section are, imho, pretty straightforward. And if I get it, you probably get it, right? Just utilizing the stuff on needstatement page 4 and integraling everything, basically.
So, USUBBBBBB.
General rule is to find the most complicated looking thing, the thing with the highest degree or under the funkiest outside function, like a square root thing or something. Make that u. Find the derivative with respect to u, find du. And don't forget to add a dx at the end. The du should like somehow be able to cancel out the stuff in the integral expression that isn't be substituted by u. Sometimes you will have to solve for x so that everything in the S is a u, and that is the only variable. Sometimes things are kind of strange but then again calculus is kind of strange. And afterwards you put whatever u is back into the equation and simplify.
RELATED RATES
Ok. I don't really know, I used to understand related rates so well! I wish I still did. So basically, the key to these problems is to write down everything you're given and figure out what you still need. Essentially this is kind of just some weird twisted way of doing implicit differentiation. In that you just derive things with respect to a certain variable, usually t. And multiply by other rates and whatever the circumstance calls for. Usually word problems and don't forget units because that's silly. I just remember that these aren't terribly difficult, just really easy to overthink. Which I'm always wont to do, of course. I feel like I'm missing something about these though. AH EPIPHANY. Ok. So you take the formula of whatever it is you're trying to find. Say it's a volume. You derive it, so you get dv/dt= whatever the derivative is. And usually you're going to be solving for the derivative of one of the variables in the volume or whatever equation with respect to another variable, usually time. And basically you do that and you move everything else to one side and solve for it! YAYY I get it again. I don't think this is terribly clear though, I'm sorry.
LIMIT SUMMATIONS
I get this in theory but I'm pretty shaky in practice. So if you have n, the number of subdivisions/ rectangles, all you do is plug in the x values into the equation to get your y value, add up the sum from the left or right, depending if you are doing right or left sum. then multiply the entire thing by delta x, which is the interval between the rectangles, the base of the rectangle. If you don't have a number of rectangles, it's b-a/ n with the interval of the curve are you're trying to find being [a,b] Then you find Mi which is a + i delta x. Or if you're going for left sum, you want mi, which is a + (i-1) delta x. You then plug whatever you get for Mi/mi into the places of all the x's in the original function equation that you will be given. Solve with the funky summation thing. You do this by taking anything that isn't an i out, intelligently of course. And distribute the summation thing so that you end up getting things that look like the 4 formulas. And if you memorize the formulas, you are absolutely golden.

I think.. that's it?
Oh. Riemann's or something
Basically you do the same formula thing as you do for rightsum/leftsum xcept you use ci instead of Mi/mi because it doesn't matter which side you sum from because you're finding area and it's the same no matter what. Oh, and if you evaluate the thing using the limit process, then you are going to get the area as the number of subdivisions increasee towards infinity the results are more accurate than estimations. Basically, Riemann's says that instead of using hte funky sum limit thing, you can just rewrite it as an integral. Pretty straightforward. And solve it in accordance to these certain bounds, but we haven't learned that yet. And there are properties of definite integrals that are kind of straightforward, that pertains to adding them and such. And rules. if the integral of something is smaller than another function that means that it is lower because there's less area under the curves. This chapter reminds me of a dirty nerdy joke something about area beneath curves and I don't really know.

I think this is everything? Melissa, am I missing anything obvious?

I am risking my future for you.

I can't tell if these jitters are from talking, actually talking, to you
I kind of missed you
or from the fact that so much is hanging on tomorrow's calc test and I'm not ready
or from the cold.