6/12

Woke up very, very grudgingly to go to dance class, but mostly because I was terrified of Ailsa's wrath. She's scary! Joyce called, offered to drive me which was nice because walking, albeit the fact that it's only a 10 minute walk, was more than my mind could handle. I mean, I got about.. 4 hours of sleep? Went there, signed up for a card anticipating Tiffany to want to split the card with me. Heheheh it was my first Saturday class. I like the instructor better, we did like the funny walking thing and a more fluid iso routine and rolls and king tut! Lalala did da dansing, saw Colin, when the ones who went to Saturday classes before went over "Apologize" except I never learned it so after a bit, I dropped out and he was like don't give up! Which is a nice thing to say but yeah. Joyce then took me home and I showered really fast to get to Vicki's recital.

Except.. my mother like vanished! ): And so I could not go and I still haven't found a way to tell her that I could not and I really, really wish I could have seen her play piano. Darnsies. So I stayed at home and ktfo'd while my brother came home with his obnoxious friends. Bleh! Then the mother came home way late and we made lists of things to buy and places to go before the summer ended. Then went to the grandmother's for dinner. Afterwards, the mother and I hit up the Griffith Park Observatory for some pretty sweet city lights.

Caterpillars.

picturecreditrighthere!

The story of the caterpillar can be summed up as such. From birth till an undisclosed time, the caterpillar eats. And eats and eats, everything in sight, all the time, for what? To roll himself into a cocoon, dark and moist, a time capsule of a different sort, a capsule of change. After a while, the caterpillar rips the cocoon from himself and emerges as something completely different-- a beautiful butterfly. Yes, yes, you nod. What's the point? We all know about how caterpillars turn into butterflies, how they are humble and rather ugly, creepy and crawly in the beginning but then go on to become something winged and extraordinary, the one insect that is not universally shrieked at. It's a thing of beauty, this transformation, it really is. And as we are so easily mesmerized by the beauty-filled flap of the butterfly wings, I have just one question for you. Does the caterpillar know that he is going to turn into a beautiful butterfly?

Think about it for a moment. Does the caterpillar think that it’s predetermined destiny is to simply eat until the end of time, and the things that happen afterwards, the cocoon, the evolution, is the caterpillar unaware of the transformation until he looks down at himself one day and realizes that he is no longer a measly worm-like thing? Or does the caterpillar eat and hold onto that will to survive, knowing that in the future, his life on the ground will be over soon and he will be granted wings to fly? Disregarding science and the development of insect brains, the life and changes of a caterpillar provide ample question and speculation, speculation that we can incorporate into our own lives. We are the caterpillars and our future selves our butterflies or perhaps just even larger caterpillars, as we wonder for sure whether we know what will happen then.

At the Musee Mechanique in San Francisco, there is a machine. “Steer the ship of your future!” it claimed, with dozens of future life options lit up before me. From pirate to doctor, it seemed everything was there, and I placed a quarter in. A moment later, “Nudist” flashed loudly before my eyes, my supposed destiny. I don’t know whether that’ll come true, but I do know that if that is my fate, then so be it. The caterpillar is a metaphor for us all, and we don’t know whether we’ll end up as butterflies or moths, so to speak, or whether we’ll remain forever a maggot. Caterpillars don’t know that they’re going to become butterflies and neither do we. The caterpillar strives to survive because the future is unknown, and only by clinging onto life can we even hope to see the potential beauty on the other side, in the future. All we can do is hope we find that cocoon of ours and perhaps we will blossom into something worth remembering during our short stint of life.

I love you baby nae nae naeyeojia.

Ok I promise I'm going to stop with these incessant San Francisco pictures and possibly take more? I don't know. I don't have time and I'm not very good. Finals are coming up soon. I am still failing calculus but I remain forever hopeful. I reallyreally hope that if I end up choosing to drop AP Calculus and just go into regular, that I am in Felicia's class. Because she's the only one I know in regular calculus. Ugh, I don't mean to sound pretentious and horrible, but I really don't like the environment of regular classes. There's this energy in AP/honors classes that has this like, motivation, this drive. That's also why I want to go to like, a better school for college because I need people around me to keep me motivated too. I know it's bad that I can't motivate myself, but since I know what works, I hope that life lets me keep doing things this way. And if I can't be in Felicia's class, pleasepleaseplease let me be in MattWang's class <# I guess out of the nextgeneration of Lee kids, I talk to him and Jonma and Melissa the most. Melissa doesn't even count though, because I see her in PowWow allllllll the time and we spazzzz about our Korean boys <3 It's good fun. I wish I were better at math.
Anyway, I'm completely failing at like, writing. This sounds like how I talk. I guess I don't want to talk how I write (not here) but I don't think I'm capable of writing the way I did last year. Ugh, please let my caterpillar article be the amazing article I've always wanted to write. We'll see!
Anyway. I got bored. And this was originally for Jane. Bopeepbopeepbopeepah! <3 Probably the most annoying/catchy song ever. Ok. I will do my homework now. Laters.

A List of Things

I saw this dog at the Golden Gate Bridge, it looks like my friend's dog, Keleguo, except Keleguo is kind of a lot cuter. With college apps taking up most of my life and free time in the past 5 months, I've made many, many lists of things to do with my newfound freedom. Except, my calculus grade still really stinks so I'm going to have to hold off on that. And after first semester ends, percussion indoor season starts up, so I won't have that much free time either! Oh no. But here goes.
1. Learn how to cook. From easy things that will keep me going next year and the rest of my life to things that might actually impress people and not food poison anybody.
2. This kind of falls under the first one, but I want to be a good baker. Peppermint patty brownies sound like a good idea. And cupcakes, always cupcakes. And I will learn how to frost/ice better.
3. Get serious-er with photography and steal my dad's pretty SLR more often, perhaps. If time like.. allows. I don't know. Maybe not.
4. College dinner bet dinners! I hope nobody forgot about this. Here's how it goes down: each person picks their top two schools. If you get in, you buy everyone participating dinner. But you only have to pay once and nobody can have overlapping schools. If nobody gets in to any of the schools, we're going to just go out and eat.. sadly.. and pay for ourselves.
5. Train adventure! Which basically is getting off anywhere that looks safe/ interesting.
6. SPRING BREAK ROAD TRIP. I really hope this happens and that we get to go alllll the way up the coast to Washington and Seattle and maybe stop by Puget Sound for Amanda and Reed on the way, but I don't know if a week is long enough for that, but I really hope this happens.
7. Watch lots and lots of dramas
8. Spend time with people I haven't spent too much time with lately
9. Graduate!
Mm, I know I had more, but I'll update this as I think of more.

Today I didn't go to school. I am sick. With senoritis. The "Asian strain" which isn't staying at home lazing around or going out and hanging out with similarly afflicted friends. No. The Asian strain of senioritis basically means I stayed at home.. and did homework. I have 4 essays for Comparative Government due Thursday and I've barely started. A Beloved quiz, essays, questions, abstracts. Kind of pathetic, but what can I do?

I told Seven the bartender that true love is felonious.
”Not if they’re over eighteen,” he said, shutting the till of the cash register.
By then the bar had become an appendage, a second torso holding up my fist. “You take someone’s breath away,” I stressed. “You rob them of the ability to utter a single word.” I tipped the neck of the empty liquor bottle toward him. “You steal a heart.”
”Sounds like a misdemeanor to me”
”No way,” I said. “Once you’re in, it’s for life.”

-- My Sister's Keeper

So. I'm setting goals for this, for myself. Because there's a purpose behind everything. The one behind this is that I can't confine myself to tumblr and it's kind of lost its magic for me. I still need somewhere to write, though. Though all of this, really, is contradictory because I really do feel the most at home with pen, on paper. Go figure. But I'm here. To write. And maybe share some pretty things but not overload. Thoughts, opinions, life. First.
1. I am going to properly capitalize. Maybe all my sentences won't be gramatically correct, but I'll try.
2. I am not going to be pretentious-sounding intentionally. I circumlocute sometimes and i realize that's probably annoying. Straight up words with commas, nothing that I'm not, stylistically.
3. I am going to experiment with my writing. Switch up my sentence variety a bit. I've gotten so used to hiding behind my sweeping long sentences where things just tend to get lost, commas sprinkled in throughout--too many, of course-- to the point where i don't know what I'm talking about any longer and I don't expect you to follow me in this nonsense.
That previous sentence would be an example of sorts.
4. I will refrain from summarizing. There are other ways and life is a lot more interesting analyzed.
5. I am Chinese and superstitious and can't have 4 things on a list. So, just throwing this out there. At the same time, insight.
I kind of wish I started like, trying to write intensely earlier. Maybe this will become a chore. I remember when I didn't even like writing. Maybe this will die out, maybe it will flourish. But for now, I'm tired and I've posted a lot.

If anyone even reads this. Few hours, don't expect much.