It's been a while.

To the point where I don't even know who sees it.
But. The password to my tumblr has been changed because it's finals week. Finals, already? The first quarter of my college experience has all but flown by and I don't want to think about what I've accomplished for fear that I'll be vastly disappointed. I've learned a lot, that's for sure. But it's just astounding that in about 5 hours I"ll have my first final that I've only barely studied for.
Yesterday I woke up incredibly dizzy. The entire room was spinning, so I thought the heater was jsut too hot and I went and opened a window and tried to go back to sleep because it was only 8am. Bad move. Most movement made me just feel a little bit like vomiting so I rolled out of my really high bed and started rummaging through my bottom drawer to find pepto bismol to maybe make me feel better. My roommate had gone home for the weekend and it was 8am on a Sunday morning. Unable to find the pink bismuth, I went and wrapped myself around our suite toilet, too uncoordinated to even bother closing the door behind me. I sat there, so unsanitary, thinking of what i could possibly look like right now. A suitemate came out of the shower and I asked her to get me the pepto and she did, I borrowed her scissors and I took it and all seemed to be fine. She went away and then I threw up. The contents of my stomach weren't much but the unmistakeable of scent of tomat-basil Wheat Thins that I had scarfed the night before rose through the air and made me feel that much worse. I remembered the last time I threw up-- 8th grade, the afternoon before the promotion party, genuinely sick. And here I was, a college student, "praying to the porcelain God" on a Saturday morning. So very unpredictable, right? But the thing is I didn't drink the night before. I had shots... of espresso in a vain attempt to keep myself awake to study, to study, to succeed. I brushed my teeth and roll back into bed, the world still spinning, so I fall off the bed and I sit on the floor, wrapped in my comforter, phone balanced on my ear as I call my daddy and he all but jumps and tells me that he and my mother are coming down right then to see me. I miraculously pull myself back onto my bed and thank God that He didn't let me run away to Reed or somewhere far that would have prohibited this from happening. I thanked Him for blessing me with a father who could make me better, at least physically and then I fell asleep.
I woke up to my parents calling my name through my window as I stumble out of my room to open the door for them, literally bouncing off the walls. I run into hallmates and I am crouched over the door as I wait for my parents before I realize they are coming from the front door. I try to go downstairs but I fall, I am a mess. I smell like vomit. I hear my hallmates twittering: Is she drunk? I want to die of embarrassment. I open the door for them and I retrace my clumsy steps back to my room. The rest of the day is a blur. I take lots of anti-vertigo medication, I try to sleep, I vomit once more, I feel better to eat, I eat Cheerios and I'm so glad that my parents are here even though they are all over my hall. I would normally be embarrassed as to how everywhere they are but in the moment, unable to even turn my head without feeling the weight of the world pulling me around the wrong way, I am so glad they're here. I'm so glad that they gave up shopping and having fun to spend a day with their sick daughter who is unable to truly vocalize how happy she is to see them. A daughter who just keeps rambling on about how she needs to study, trying so hard only to have it all backfire on her.
I have a final in 5 hours and I'm not terribly worried for that one. I'm more worried for the one I have at 10am tomorrow, the one I was supposed to spend the entire day cramming yesterday for but will only have about 5 hours tonight for. There's nothing I can do but hope for the best. I know they say that in college your finals can make or break your grade but I feel like in my case, at least, I've prepared an adequate amount for each that I know that the worst I can do is amount to a bunch of B's. Though for some of my classes I've worked an A-level of effort, something that I've never done in high school. Well, anyway. Time to go have a last hurrah with my friends Epictetus, Epicurus, Panofsky, Britten, Maimonides, and how could I forget? God.

6/16

i did more driving, mostly turning around and around
no more popped blood vessel which is good
went to the bank to deposit money then went to the vs semi annual sale, got good deals
then went to dance class
and home to watch sytycd

6/15

this is a result of driving
ahaha it's no big deal, i just got really stressed and i guess a blood vessel popped. the only thing is that it looks disgusting, but it doesn't hurt or anything. later that day i went to ikea with my mom.

day one, i made these
prior to this i had lunch with an old friend
went to walmart and got crafty and bought materials for healthy eating and marshmallows

6/13

an unhappy family outing to the beach

cannot believe i missed alex's campaign thing for the general clusterfuck of uncomfortable and anger that are most family outings.

why can't it be like the show? i love family outing, season one with hyori and daesung >

anyway. for the sake of chronicling summer.

6/12

Woke up very, very grudgingly to go to dance class, but mostly because I was terrified of Ailsa's wrath. She's scary! Joyce called, offered to drive me which was nice because walking, albeit the fact that it's only a 10 minute walk, was more than my mind could handle. I mean, I got about.. 4 hours of sleep? Went there, signed up for a card anticipating Tiffany to want to split the card with me. Heheheh it was my first Saturday class. I like the instructor better, we did like the funny walking thing and a more fluid iso routine and rolls and king tut! Lalala did da dansing, saw Colin, when the ones who went to Saturday classes before went over "Apologize" except I never learned it so after a bit, I dropped out and he was like don't give up! Which is a nice thing to say but yeah. Joyce then took me home and I showered really fast to get to Vicki's recital.

Except.. my mother like vanished! ): And so I could not go and I still haven't found a way to tell her that I could not and I really, really wish I could have seen her play piano. Darnsies. So I stayed at home and ktfo'd while my brother came home with his obnoxious friends. Bleh! Then the mother came home way late and we made lists of things to buy and places to go before the summer ended. Then went to the grandmother's for dinner. Afterwards, the mother and I hit up the Griffith Park Observatory for some pretty sweet city lights.

Oh, summer.

So this is summer so far. My first summer of freedom-- and my last. The years before were in preparation to getting to this point, the years after will be filled with work, internships, a career. Hopefully the future will be enjoyable but for now, I get to enjoy these lazy days of nothing. Of course, lazy days of nothing are instantly better with a car. I hope I get my license soon. I need to be better at braking/ noticing stop signs. Ah, well, tomorrow is another day, another chance and maybe the mother figure will allow me to drive her once in a while. Ah, wishful thinking.

My lower back hurts. Probably from the hours lying stomach-down on my bed playing Robot Unicorn Attack. I can't be doing this in college... So I've been missing the no holds barred style of blogging I used to do. You know, drawn out, detailed posts about how my day went. So here goes from Grad Night? Or summer's start.

Grad Night was alright. I didn't have particularly high expectations so they weren't disappointed. THe majority of the night was spent with people I thoroughly adore. I had In N Out pretty much the moment the truck opened for the night. The lemon bars were so so so good. The strawberries too! I think they were supposed to be dipped in chocolate but I opted not to and I was amazed. Michelle and I chatted with Jerry and Stanley for a while over coffee before they left us. Um, won a Cue gift card somewhat illicitly, but I'm not complaining! Also Starbucks giftcards were given in the goodie bags at the end. However, I cannot find my wallet. I wish I knew how to gamble, though, I think that would have been fun. The obstacle course was also quite fun but I am embarrassed to have lost to TDawg. I also brought home a couple tattoos to be used at my own leisure. The friends left a little early, I did some of that dancing stuff and it was a little surreal to think that this might be the last time I see some of these people. AGH i'm tired. I will post some other time.

So, Japan was kind of amazing. And cherry blossoms are just.. gorgeous.

Remember when you said you loved me.
It came out apropos nothing, just a simple statement amidst an onslaught of silly ones.
We might have been in an argument.
But you said it and it was there, hanging in the space between us for a few tangible moments before we dissolved into laughter yet again.
It was there.
Maybe you didn't mean it, maybe it was just a flippant remark appropriate for only that moment. Maybe it was a slip of the tongue, a revelation, or something you've been keeping under wraps for a while. Maybe it is the last one. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of.
But it was there and for a moment there were so many possibilities for the future that I had to brush off in self defense. To save us both.

Please don't stop the good times that have been rolling along lately. It'll be a shame to leave you, but for now, can we just enjoy each other in awkwardness? Lalala pictures, this is what I do lately, mess around before the sun disappears with some dials and switches. Also nail need to be redone. I am breaking the rules I established for this blog already.

rejections and acceptance

Today my last rejection letters came: Tufts and Colby.
Sometimes I really think Reed accidentally accepted me, but I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Visiting on the 19th, I can't wait. Reed's pretty much my dream school. Like, if Reed were a guy it'd be the perfect one who would give me everything I need emotionally and mentally but different enough from how I normally am to be fun and exciting every day.
Going to Japan on Friday! I like missing school.

shuper shtar shining shtar shuper shtar
... biggest fan.

HOLLYWOODBOWL 2010

SO FAR
I AM GOING TO SEE
2PM
AND WONDERGIRLS
2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM 2PM

So. Olympics

I looove the Olympics. I guess:
APOLO ANTON OHNO <3 my favorite for 8 years nowwww
JR CELSKI QT PI i hope i get into berkeley just so i could possibly meet you
PATRICK CHAN i will be you fan for manyy years to come
LINDSEY VONNNNNN so much inspiration!

YEP

There is reason to smile again.

Walking towards the buses with my face down, probably narrowly walking into things because I'm pretty bad at texting while walking, and the subject of you came up and Mr Stevens, who I have never talked to before, commented on how big my smile was.
A few weeks ago
Walking with you
Renews my spirit

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT

i don't have anyone to blame but myself
i wish i were braver
i wish this whole pride crap didn't affect me
i wish i could have just had the audacity to say yes. i want to.
THIS ISN'T ANYONE ELSE'S FAULT.
i guess this is all just going to be a lesson that i have to learn to speak up.
it's never been a strong point of mine, but after .. this. and how odd i am feeling right now, i know that i can't let something like this ever, ever happen to me again. ever.

this reminds me of kaitlyn's articles about mixed feelings.
people would get what they wanted more often if only they'd ask. too bad it seems to be such a fucking foreign idea.
i'm sad

DARADIRIDARADUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

CHINO HILLS TODAY.
WE'RE GOING TO WIN.
THAT IS ALL.

SCSCSC

No, not USC. Where a bunch of my friends have gotten scholarships and will probably end up. I didn't apply, which made my dad kind of mad. He's also mad that I didn't apply to any Ivies but then I know that if I did, my other applications would have been shaky. And I'm pretty confident in my essay quality. With the help of cxu at like 3am, I'm pretty sure that each one of my essays actually says something about me. I don't know why I'm thinking about this right now. I wrote one of my personal statements on nail polish and I guess that seems silly but that's my favorite one. I think I'll delete my college app folder after I find out my decisions because seeing little notices of failure on my hard drive is going to suck. So far, pretty much everyone I know has found out about Irvine.. and I haven't. I neurotically check multiple times a day but I've forced myself to limit myself to just one. As if that's not crazy either. I don't know why I digressed onto the subject matter of colleges. I guess it's just that easy. It's like, the one thing everyone in the class of 2010 has in common homg colleges and I'm kind of scared but being patient right now.
I saw Ms Barbour yesterday! She came back from England it was kind of exciting.
So yeah. SC. idk if it's an sc or I'm just too scared to actually like.. get into this kind of mess again. Mess? Maybe. It could be happyhappy but I think it's too late in the game to risk this kind of thing. And I have such a bad track record. And sometimes I feel like the girl in that poem we read in english the other day. It's called "Bitch" but we substitute it with "Cucumber" I feel like the cucumber. I feel too eager and clingy onto what happiness we've had together and I don't think I could ever be your priority, so I'll just be content with what it is. And it's so dumb right now. 4 months and I'm gone.
Time for practice/ valentine'sday/ pichu!

Closure

Months and months ago, I hoped and hoped for gov to make nationals. Because that means that it was right. And you can go, aww, don't say that, but that's what I needed to let go of any :/ kind of feelings that I've been feeling. And now that they made nationals, I'm so happy. Because there's no what-if's. I mean, there still is because I'm sure I would have been good too, but the fact is that, they're amazing without me and I needed to know that. So today is closure.. I'm happy and I can finally let go. I'm just a teensy bit bitter that I probably won't get to hang out with my friends for a while because they're going to be intensely studying for nationals, but now all I'm going to do is cheer them on with everything I've got. Because they've worked so hard lately and they deserve it. So that's my little deal of the day.
Oh, and SC's? I think there are two right now. It's fun. Except one I see every day and the other I rarely rarely see.

it's been a while

got my first acceptance letter today
UC riverside. which.. is kind of my last choice safety but it just felt so good to see CONGRATULATIONS, you have been accepted blahblahblah i don't know why i applied for that major but it's so nice.
and i'm taking that feeling and running with it.