To the point where I don't even know who sees it.
But. The password to my tumblr has been changed because it's finals week. Finals, already? The first quarter of my college experience has all but flown by and I don't want to think about what I've accomplished for fear that I'll be vastly disappointed. I've learned a lot, that's for sure. But it's just astounding that in about 5 hours I"ll have my first final that I've only barely studied for.
Yesterday I woke up incredibly dizzy. The entire room was spinning, so I thought the heater was jsut too hot and I went and opened a window and tried to go back to sleep because it was only 8am. Bad move. Most movement made me just feel a little bit like vomiting so I rolled out of my really high bed and started rummaging through my bottom drawer to find pepto bismol to maybe make me feel better. My roommate had gone home for the weekend and it was 8am on a Sunday morning. Unable to find the pink bismuth, I went and wrapped myself around our suite toilet, too uncoordinated to even bother closing the door behind me. I sat there, so unsanitary, thinking of what i could possibly look like right now. A suitemate came out of the shower and I asked her to get me the pepto and she did, I borrowed her scissors and I took it and all seemed to be fine. She went away and then I threw up. The contents of my stomach weren't much but the unmistakeable of scent of tomat-basil Wheat Thins that I had scarfed the night before rose through the air and made me feel that much worse. I remembered the last time I threw up-- 8th grade, the afternoon before the promotion party, genuinely sick. And here I was, a college student, "praying to the porcelain God" on a Saturday morning. So very unpredictable, right? But the thing is I didn't drink the night before. I had shots... of espresso in a vain attempt to keep myself awake to study, to study, to succeed. I brushed my teeth and roll back into bed, the world still spinning, so I fall off the bed and I sit on the floor, wrapped in my comforter, phone balanced on my ear as I call my daddy and he all but jumps and tells me that he and my mother are coming down right then to see me. I miraculously pull myself back onto my bed and thank God that He didn't let me run away to Reed or somewhere far that would have prohibited this from happening. I thanked Him for blessing me with a father who could make me better, at least physically and then I fell asleep.
I woke up to my parents calling my name through my window as I stumble out of my room to open the door for them, literally bouncing off the walls. I run into hallmates and I am crouched over the door as I wait for my parents before I realize they are coming from the front door. I try to go downstairs but I fall, I am a mess. I smell like vomit. I hear my hallmates twittering: Is she drunk? I want to die of embarrassment. I open the door for them and I retrace my clumsy steps back to my room. The rest of the day is a blur. I take lots of anti-vertigo medication, I try to sleep, I vomit once more, I feel better to eat, I eat Cheerios and I'm so glad that my parents are here even though they are all over my hall. I would normally be embarrassed as to how everywhere they are but in the moment, unable to even turn my head without feeling the weight of the world pulling me around the wrong way, I am so glad they're here. I'm so glad that they gave up shopping and having fun to spend a day with their sick daughter who is unable to truly vocalize how happy she is to see them. A daughter who just keeps rambling on about how she needs to study, trying so hard only to have it all backfire on her.
I have a final in 5 hours and I'm not terribly worried for that one. I'm more worried for the one I have at 10am tomorrow, the one I was supposed to spend the entire day cramming yesterday for but will only have about 5 hours tonight for. There's nothing I can do but hope for the best. I know they say that in college your finals can make or break your grade but I feel like in my case, at least, I've prepared an adequate amount for each that I know that the worst I can do is amount to a bunch of B's. Though for some of my classes I've worked an A-level of effort, something that I've never done in high school. Well, anyway. Time to go have a last hurrah with my friends Epictetus, Epicurus, Panofsky, Britten, Maimonides, and how could I forget? God.