Wednesday, June 8, 2011

it's everything i can do right now to not break down and cry
not because i have to kick butt on my chem final to get that A i don't deserve (this is because i forget online homework is real homework and frequently sleep through deadlines)

no. i can barely keep it together because it's the beginning of the end. people are stopping by my room, waking me up sometimes, telling me they're leaving. goodbyes all around. i can't... i can't handle this. i'm such an emotional and sentimental person this is incredibly distracting from the final i have in about 16 hours. and i've only begun studying.
i'm going to miss you guys so so so much. i know we'll see each other again but.. it isn't the same.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


I'm starting to pack up because I need to rearrange my furniture before my roommate leaves. Mostly so she can help me.
And that's when it hit me.
For the next four years, at least, I'm going to be moving in and out somewhere different each time.
It was hard to leave home. It's even harder to leave Lorien 204 because I know that I will never again sleep in this bed when I move out. This place houses so many memories.
But what about next year, a whole year of "living on my own" with three of my closest friends + my big? A whole year of a different kind of memories I'll be boxing up.
And if things go well, the year after that I'll be saying goodbye after living in the sorority house.
And if things go as planned, the year after that I'll be holding back tears saying goodbye to my residents when I become an RA. I'll be holding back tears as I say goodbye to UCI, the place that has shaped me and molded me and given me so many amazing memories.
Moving in and out is an emotional process. We're no longer the nomads we once were and I don't think we're designed to handle this kind of change, at least not this often. This is my first move out. There will be at least three more after this, each special after a meaningful year I would never replace or forget.
This is so sad. Incredibly sad.
But there's no time to dwell on that.
Here's to memories in these places I inhabit.
Here's to the amazing people I inhabit these spaces with.
Here's to moving in, moving out and moving on.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Today I started packing. Well, that's a lie. I started packing when I went home last week. Two boxes, two bags. And then four bags when my mom dropped by yesterday. Today I took off my corkboards and boy have they left a mess on the wall. Today I took off my wall of photographs and put them in a box. Today I took off the beautiful bow in my window and my pledge sister noticed. Today it hit me that when my roommate leaves on Tuesday, it will be for the last time. The final pages of TifFeliza, the greatest roommates in the history of the world. Today I went downstairs and talked to JLai for a little about her breakup and even though we didn't become as close as I would have liked, I know that she will always be willing to be an ear, and she knows that I am too. Today I realized that it's going to be so difficult to stay in touch, because it's never going to be this easy again, to go downstairs or upstairs and have fun, let loose. Today I realized that the rager on Thursday very much might be the last time I overestimate my limits with the boys upstairs.
Today my last finals week as a first year starts. Today is the beginning of the end.
I thought about how sad I was maybe week 4 of fall quarter, when that 'window' of just being able to meet people whenver closed, and I worried that after then I wouldn't get to meet people anymore. Well. That was a big misconception. Winter quarter rolled along, I became more active in CA. And by some chance I texted Mandy that one night at the ARC and she asked if I wanted to go to that sigep pa party... I could never have known it was the beginning of something like this. And I kept meeting people. And then I joined SK and the meeting, well, it never stops. I love it. I think about all the people I've met and how incredibly happy I am to have met them. And how if I went to another school I never would have met them. Sure, maybe I'd be just as happy meeting different people in a different place.. but now.. I could never ever ever replace any of them. And the Arcadia girls that I've become closer too just because we go to UCI... I would never trade our relationship for anything. There are people I'm so genuinely comfortable with, it's ridiculous.
And don't get me started on my roommate. Every day I spend with her I'm more and more amazed that someone with such a pure and genuine heart exists. And every day, even though I hate the way UCI operates sometime, I'm convinced that them giving me Feliza as a roommate just proves that don't completely hate me. I just.. I just can't talk about that point in time where I don't get to be her roommate anymore so I'm thinking I just won't. Because to me, she's always 'roomie.' To her, I will always be BTT. As excited as I am to room with one of my best friends next year (aka in two weeks!) there will always be a special place in my heart for my random roommate, the highlight of my dorming experience.
And then I thought about the people I haven't met yet. I haven't met my future husband yet, I don't think. I haven't met any boy, actually, that would make me do anything crazy. And somehow I'm okay with that. I knw that having a boyfriend or a relationship or any sort of ball/chain my first year wouldn't have made this as great as it has been. I thoroughly enjoy being a single lady and being able to act like one. Not that I've done anything like... yeah.. but still. The freedom is nice. Complete freedom. I haven't met my future little yet. Well, duhhhhhhhhhhh. But this girl, like future husband.. I'm so excited to meet them.
I don't know what I'm getting at anymore. I guess I'm just getting my fingers warmed up and ready to start working on my paper for real.. but this is just the beginning of my end of first year reflection posts.

Though I must say... it's going to be WEIRD introducing myself as a second year.. even though in a little over a month I'll technically be a junior...