Wednesday, January 20, 2010

given up on eastcoastdreams
It might sting a little, but I know that I can always walk away from this unscathed.
That's cool.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Going to kick ass tomorrow and not let myself down. I'm not going to let down everyone who has believed in me and helped me through this. I wrote down all the formulas I might need and even programmed some into my calculator. I just need to make sure that between when I wake up and the test, nothing slips out of my brain. I worked for this, in the past few months, and I have gotten better. It will be ok. Just trust, no doubt about anything. It all happens for a reason. It's not corny or cliche because that is what I truly believe.

Also. Lately, I have only been truly happy when I am with you. I hope it doesn't stop.

Oh, and I will embrace the 2hr percussion rehearsal tomorrow as a way to get rid of all this pent up anxious energy I have.

Monday, January 18, 2010



Things I don't want to do.

1. Write article. On what, even? I forgot. Actually. I might be into this one-- the mentality behind procrastination. Why we do it. And, as a master procrastinator, I think this article fits me very well. I guess I do want to do this!
2. Write Beloved essay. It's one thing to write an essay. They're usually not too bad unless I procrastinate. But this one is hard because I love my prompt -- water imagery. It's something I could have had so much fun with if only I were free to take the reins with my style and write the way I write. But I can't. It's stifling. It makes it so difficult.
3. Redo all the problems from old calc tests.. Should take like 5 hrs, total :/

I'll be ok.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

What the rainy sky is trying to tell you is that you're not the only one.

-- Tablo.

So. I shattered one of my favorite cups today. I don't know where all this angst comes from.
Just ordered Mad as a Hatter <3
Annnd Absolutely Alice
Annnd Kingdom Hearts
Annnd Catching Fire
What a fantastic use of my giftcard. I'm happy.
So. I am going to acquire like... 5 np's in the next week or so. Yay!
Soooooooo both my parents are angers at me and being at home is just so awkward. I feel like.. ostracized. Excommunicated. ): I'm not used to being the one who everyone is unhappy with. I'm always "the good one" and it's never lasted so long before. Hmph. Well I guess.. I'm just keeping in mind that I'll be free of this kind of crap forever in like six months. Won't have to deal with my mom's moodiness or crazy menopausal bipolar tendencies ever again.
That is.. if I do get to go to college :X
But last night was goood. Except for a little fmslkdml kind of stuff. And some TT____TT QQing from me who wished I was down there too. Kat and Christine were the G and the U from GUARD and they were like look, tgu, this is for you. <33333 I lost my ticket but the bandmom who fit me for uniforms kind of subtly slipped me in. I LOVE BAND MOMS omgggg <3 Like, most of them treat me like I'm their own kid. Mmmm. Yeah.
Today I must finish my Beloved essay so tomorrow I will revise revise revise and make it wonderful. Sigh, I wish Lucas liked my writing style ): Because I really.. don't have control over it. Haha I guess I'm not good enough to actually be able to put a stopper on it. :/
Mehhhhhhhhhhhh so stressed, man.

Hm. Random things from secondsemester transferred english freshman year. I think the people in Diaz's class were just insane. Innn a good way. In that I still talk to many of them. But anyway, Band 3 auditions were coming up and Leandro was like practicing his fingering and Tuff and I were talking.. about guard? And we were like somethingsomething flagbag! And Leandro was like oh hey I can play that. Oh wait, I can only play fagbag. And some other time, he was like why is it called a piccolo, shouldn't it be called a picco-high? Kekeke goodtimesss.

Painted my nails with my own franken. I think it looks nice. Next NO5D will be matte'd awaken, I think. Jk idk. But yeah
3. email jackie DI rosterrrrrrr
4. clean room a bit
5. hmmm

Friday, January 15, 2010

take me hand, take my hand, take me back to my land
can't you see, we live in wonder world?
i really am lemming for mad hatter. and grape pop. and heli-yum. and maybe bandwagon on DOID. LOL jk. maybe light as air. sigh. that's like. four! guhguhguh i bet if i go to ulta they won't even have it...... ):
i think next NO5D will be essie funnyface. audrey hepburn? i don't know. but yeah.

you must be tiiiired because you've been running through my mind all dayyy! really.


1. WRITE AN AMAZING BELOVED ESSAY. some rather asfkmldfmwklecrap happened today and i need to prove that i'm a good writer. that this style is definitely my own and i own it. bring it!
2. CALC STUDY CALC STUDYYY. study group, anyone? if anyone even reads this. gahhhhh. need to do well!
3. paint nails! just because
4. spaghetti dinner tmrw <333
5. going to clean room for like the millionth time because second law of thermodynamics states that nature tends towards entropy and you have to put work in in order to keep it clean
6. practice notes on the piano
7. goal is to learn kh music on piano second semesss
8. relax a little because ms galloway said i looked like i needed it (i do D:)

Hm. I was going to rant and rave about today. Today was not a good day. Actually, today would have been such a nice day if it weren't for damn essssayyyyy. Oh and waking up too early for calc test but i didn't do so badly so I guess it was worth it! And I thought this was going to be my drop test...
Idk lots of amusing things happened today and I would have counted today as a good day! If it were fufdsklmfsklekmls. Ok.
123 time
2. got 10% better than normally do on calc test! still pretty bad but hugeass improvement is ok
3. kekeke got to lop out of 4th for a bit because of counselors & watched amusing flyswatter/jenga game <3 miss it so muchhhh
4. jane flo and ro helped me learn notes a bit during lunchh <3 and comforted me keke whoress <3 showerr4l man.
5. ms gallowayyy gave me a hug and i felt lots better. she's kind of amazing
6. sflkms holycrap i always really admired coleen but now my admiration for her has just like escalated soo much
7. walking out of percussion today, flo was like hey tgu don't worry, you'll be the next lady gugu. IDK that was so amusinggg.
8. shoppinggg at pavillion's today for powwow kekee. got soo much food! <3 and a tub of mangoes for myself that were out of season but still mangoes.
9. heh. yeah (:

sfdksklafkmslALKDSMSKML my momm forgot to mail my supp today ughhhhhhhhhhhh. so idk. i guess i will do it tmrw. or go out later. eff.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


So integrals are the opposite of derivatives. The integral sign looks like a funky squiggly seahorse stretched out S thing. It's later than normal so there will probably be lots of strange things in this spiel, but bear with me if you want. The antiderivative way is to basically just like, undo everything, the ones where you can look at the thing and find the integral, like for S sinxdx, you know that the answer must be -cosx + C. And the backwards power rule thing is super helpful but I can't really post that here. Always add C at the end or you will get in trouble! Unless you can solve for C. The indefinite ones, you can't solve for C. If they give you like a point or something, then you can plug it into find C.
PVA problems in this section are, imho, pretty straightforward. And if I get it, you probably get it, right? Just utilizing the stuff on needstatement page 4 and integraling everything, basically.
General rule is to find the most complicated looking thing, the thing with the highest degree or under the funkiest outside function, like a square root thing or something. Make that u. Find the derivative with respect to u, find du. And don't forget to add a dx at the end. The du should like somehow be able to cancel out the stuff in the integral expression that isn't be substituted by u. Sometimes you will have to solve for x so that everything in the S is a u, and that is the only variable. Sometimes things are kind of strange but then again calculus is kind of strange. And afterwards you put whatever u is back into the equation and simplify.
Ok. I don't really know, I used to understand related rates so well! I wish I still did. So basically, the key to these problems is to write down everything you're given and figure out what you still need. Essentially this is kind of just some weird twisted way of doing implicit differentiation. In that you just derive things with respect to a certain variable, usually t. And multiply by other rates and whatever the circumstance calls for. Usually word problems and don't forget units because that's silly. I just remember that these aren't terribly difficult, just really easy to overthink. Which I'm always wont to do, of course. I feel like I'm missing something about these though. AH EPIPHANY. Ok. So you take the formula of whatever it is you're trying to find. Say it's a volume. You derive it, so you get dv/dt= whatever the derivative is. And usually you're going to be solving for the derivative of one of the variables in the volume or whatever equation with respect to another variable, usually time. And basically you do that and you move everything else to one side and solve for it! YAYY I get it again. I don't think this is terribly clear though, I'm sorry.
I get this in theory but I'm pretty shaky in practice. So if you have n, the number of subdivisions/ rectangles, all you do is plug in the x values into the equation to get your y value, add up the sum from the left or right, depending if you are doing right or left sum. then multiply the entire thing by delta x, which is the interval between the rectangles, the base of the rectangle. If you don't have a number of rectangles, it's b-a/ n with the interval of the curve are you're trying to find being [a,b] Then you find Mi which is a + i delta x. Or if you're going for left sum, you want mi, which is a + (i-1) delta x. You then plug whatever you get for Mi/mi into the places of all the x's in the original function equation that you will be given. Solve with the funky summation thing. You do this by taking anything that isn't an i out, intelligently of course. And distribute the summation thing so that you end up getting things that look like the 4 formulas. And if you memorize the formulas, you are absolutely golden.

I think.. that's it?
Oh. Riemann's or something
Basically you do the same formula thing as you do for rightsum/leftsum xcept you use ci instead of Mi/mi because it doesn't matter which side you sum from because you're finding area and it's the same no matter what. Oh, and if you evaluate the thing using the limit process, then you are going to get the area as the number of subdivisions increasee towards infinity the results are more accurate than estimations. Basically, Riemann's says that instead of using hte funky sum limit thing, you can just rewrite it as an integral. Pretty straightforward. And solve it in accordance to these certain bounds, but we haven't learned that yet. And there are properties of definite integrals that are kind of straightforward, that pertains to adding them and such. And rules. if the integral of something is smaller than another function that means that it is lower because there's less area under the curves. This chapter reminds me of a dirty nerdy joke something about area beneath curves and I don't really know.

I think this is everything? Melissa, am I missing anything obvious?

I am risking my future for you.

I can't tell if these jitters are from talking, actually talking, to you
I kind of missed you
or from the fact that so much is hanging on tomorrow's calc test and I'm not ready
or from the cold.
There's a little part of me that's so in love with you. You look nice in grey, different from the brightsssss. SCSCSCSCSC yeeeeeeeeah.

I am wasting time that I could be doing resubs for
by trying to resize a PDF file for my Reed supplement. Of course I would wait for the last day, the worst possible time to do this.
Please let me be ok.
Get out of my head, please. I don't know why I like you so much.
Just because someone likes the same bizarro crap that you do doesn't make them your soulmate.
Right? Right.

Now, I'm going to do that crazy calculus spewing blog I usually do before I test. I think it helps, just to get all my knowledge (or lack thereof) in one place. Usually this is on tumblr, but I'm banned from tumblr until finals are over, so here goes!
Are essentially the opposites of derivatives. They usually have a little dx at the end and you are finding an indefinite one, you MUST add +C at the end or you will get points taken off. Generally, using the reverse power rules works pretty well, when you get x to the n+1/ n+1. And if you have any coefficients, take them outside of the integral.
Note to self: study up on the fundamental theorum of calculus.. jsut because
then there's u substitution. You take the more complicated expression and call it u. Take the deriv an call that du, so that du equals the part of the expression that isn't u so that you can cancel it out and replace all the parts of the expression with either u or du. Yep.
Sometimes, though, if you can't cancel it out, you did something wrong.. Either you picked the wrong thing to be your u, then you have to try again. Or it jsut won't work so you have to add an extra step and solve for x so that you can plug in u into the expression.
I think that's all there is to it for integrals. Oh, and the area under the curve is the integral of the function at the given interval.

I don't know how to do limit summation, so I will be back tomorrow with that wonderfully classified information

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I can't help but think that Peeta reminds me of someone I know. Which is kind of why I can't really love him as much as a lot of people do. I don't want to be like an insane fangirl buuut if need be, I'm prettyyy sure I'd be Team Gale because even though he wasn't even in the book that much, I kind of <333'd him the moment he appeared.
I haven't fangirled about a book in a very, very long time.
Catching Fire as soon as finals are over. I cannot wait. I also lost my drop slip :X
1. finish beloved essay rough, check!
2. acquire everything for gov notebook, check! minus tabs
3. calc homework, almost check!
4. 3 resubs tonight, notcheckk
5. scan reed supp, fail, to do during powwow tmrw

today michelle & i went to nano cafe and it was delicious

Hunger Games

Last night, I stayed up... until like 2:30 reading it.. and I got up like two hours later than I wanted to. Any other day, I would think the trade off was worth it because this. book. is. amazing. Amanda recommended it ot me back in like, August, and I'm gladd, because this book is so freaking good.

However, I have a shitload of things due this Friday and I can't afford to slack off even more than I already am. Boo.
But Gaaaaaaale and Peeta! <3

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I'm pretty sure you don't use as many exclamation points with other people as you do with me. What a nice swift transition from one-word responses. You're just another one of many people I'm so glad to have met in the APEng//honors system.
What I like about gov is that it's the only class I'm in right now that retains the same sort of cameraderie that we had last year in Lee, the complete willingness to help out your fellow man no matter if you actually really knew him. It was so nice, like a community. And while the pasquagov kids are far, far from a loving warm community like the Lee one... the people that I do associate myself with, I'm so glad for them. Swapping blogs, making sure we all have everything for our notebook, it's nostalgia.
It's so easy to feel lonely senior year. You don't see all your friends anymore, the ones that were so given to see pretty much every day. You only see the people in your classes and the people you go off with, basically. I'm lucky to have H6 as like.. a connection to most of my friends, though. Senior year is full of broken promises. Promises to try hard, promises to keep up the good work, promises to maintain friendships and hang out. And I'm not proud to say that I've broken.. quite a few promises this year. But I hope I'll get to make amends in the new semester, calculus-free.

This weekends will be devoted entirely to calculus. With a brief break to go to spaghetti dinner, of course <3 9pm, senior drilldown's where it's at. I'm sad that I can't be down there, but I'll be there for my fellow Marching Elites of 2010. Also. Hopefully trying to find a study group, I wonder who would be down for that. Probably nobody because apparently calc is easy to everyone but meeee

Got my drop form today

I'm sad. Lately I've been skipping out of calc because I hate being like, in that class. I go to Lee's, I wander around, I went to Galloway's once, but she kind of kicked me out. But today I was feeling particularly down. Like this feeling I get when I'm overwhelmed, that I can't even really breathe properly. So i went to Galloway's because I know she'd give me a hug and it was so nice. I miss APUSH! They were arguing for test points the way we always did, with Ray sitting in Winston's seat in the back doing the EXACT same thing, asking for 30 seconds, talking super fast in that speech-kid manner. It was nice. And I chilled with Bonnie and talked to Matt and Michelle because they sit right in front of herr. Thenn... I went back to class.. and Ms. Wang was like, so, Tiffany, where do you go for like those half-periods when you just disappear? And so I kind of just chuckled and sat down really fast. But the sad thing is that it doesn't even really matter, right? Not that much, anyway. Last year I never would have dared to do anything that would even possibly portray me in a negative light, but now I just don't care. And it's not even for rec's because last year I never really cared that much about it. It's just an overall I-don't-give-a-crap feeling about everything, school, life, existing. It makes me sad that I just don't care about anything anymore ):
But at the same time.. it's like, oh, Ms Wang actually NOTICES when I'm gone when all this time, the reason I always left was because I thought she never noticed and didn't care. She's really nice. And a really good teacher and the only reason I'm doing so badly is all my fault. So there's really nothing I can do about it and I have nobody to blame but myself. And idk.
Then after school, Matt and I went to go get our drop slips and it was nice, not having to do it by myself this time.. moral support! But when we walked back away back to H6 because that's where the cool kids kick it, we saw Ms. Wang and Mr. Silah walking together. And since we both needed the latter's signature to drop our respective calc classes we were like ohhhh. And kind of walked a little shifty sideways to hide our drop forms, which is silly because, they're going to know. I mean, at least Ms. Wang will know that I'm dropping because I have to show her. And.. idk. At least I have a calc-drop buddy? And I guess tomorrow we will go hunting for Mr. Silah and get our form signed all good and stuff.
And the thing that I'm feeling is that... Why can't I be strong enough, smart enough, good enough to keep pushing through calc? I don't know. I wish I were... But yeah. Even though I feel like crap that basically all my friends went through, took AP Calculus, aced it, and I am 1. taking it a year later than everyone else and 2. failing. Well, that's just pretty damn disheartening.
C'est la vie, cannot wait to get this over with.
But my teachers of last year, I couldn't ask for better ones <3 Like, they are all so freaking amazinggggg. Annnnnnd I checked the status of my Wellesley app online and everything is turned in (: So that is good. And I'm glad I don't have to worry about like, getting in recs on time or anything because they are so amazing and have finito'd.
AWRIGHT. Since I am banned from Tumblr..
1. meeting @ michelle's @ 7pm
2. gov note book, going to finish tonight!
3. finish half of my beloved essay, for reals.
4. do calc homework and the resubs for the past week
5. as many resubs as I can do before ktfo
6. I guess. redo my nails.. because my nervous tension has resulted in me peeling mine off today. They were pretty though ):

Monday, January 11, 2010

I daydream about those nights

I can imagine living in California forever. Having a car, driving myself around to beautiful and warm places at night. Frozen yogurt whenever I feel like it because it honestly would never get seriously that cold. Looking over the ocean and seeing a sunset. The Pacific Ocean. Disneyland, Santa Monica, San Diego, San Clemente. Rainbows, how will I ever live without my dear flip flops? That would be a rhetorical question because I honestly don't know. My toes will freeze anywhere else, they already kind of do. I don't know why I suddenly feel so attached to this place I want to escape. Is this like.. Stockholm's syndrome of the highest order? Ok. I guess not that extreme. But I've been filled with so much drive and motivation to get out of here for the longest time, to go see some sunrises, but now I realize that sunsets aren't that bad either.

Actually... I think this is that defense thing again. The fact that if I'm screwed over by calc, I'll have no choice BUT to stay here.. so I think my subconscious is trying to prepare me for that pain by like psyching it up for me. Rah, rah California. Not really. Ugh.
Can't stop, we won't stop. I guessssss this isn't working and I am incapable of just letting go of a nice fleeting thought. Dear nice fleeting thoughts, if you don't have any intention to just stay with me and actual realize yourself, please.. just go away. Leave me alone because you have made me quite sad at such a nice possibility.
On the other hand, looks likeee I'm going to Manna after finals! Kekeke <3 Perfect opportunity to fill up befoore intensive percussion practice, yess. And then art museum hopping <3 And then then driving lessons and taking tests and hopefully getting a license.

But first, a roadblock: finals. I'll get over it though. I intend to totally kill my calc test this Friday, once I understand what goes on.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

What made me think that I could need you? Do I? I do? I don't. I don't want to. This is making me sad. I have to build a bridge. gtfo this.
Nothing but blue skies?
I can't do anything anymore, can I?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Hey, pretty boy.

Today was not a very good day. Sigh. I wish my parents weren't so ready for me to leave. I got up today before all of them and one by one they left, without stopping to say good morning or good bye. Not telling me where they were going until I called my mom way later and she told me she was at Ikea... Even though I told her for weeks, literally, that I wanted to go to Ikea. And she was like let's go tomorrow. But I can't because I spent today feeling really lonely and abandoned and didn't get any homework done and I have a group meeting tomorrow and I don't know why it makes me so sad/mad when my family forgets things that I tell them over and over again, especially because I don't tell them much. Isn't that the whole point of repetition? To make a point stick?
To quote Kurt, I'm full of ennui. I don't know what it is. But lately, I really am not interested in doing things. The things that used to make me happy make me nervous, or worse, don't instill any sort of feeling at all. Sometimes I can elicit a smile from myself, but I don't know. I hate being lonely. I've basically forbidden myself from going out until my calc grade went up, but since it's not, and it won't, I'm just going to like, basically, self arrest myself for being so stupid and I won't do anything fun until this stupid semester is over. Everyone who told me was right: first semester senior year is the absolute worst part of high school ever. I don't remember being so upset and so lazy and so overwhelmed before in my entire life. Ever. I'll be glad when it's over. Annnd.. when it's over, I get to do something fun for about 3 hours. And then 3 hours of percussion practice. There, another, thing, percussion has gotten me so down lately. Like... I'm filled with so much dread, mostly because I suck. But after last night's practice, I feel better about it. With synths, with the prospect of playing loud, with me getting most of my part down alright.. Things are looking up, but I don't feel anything. And that weekend, I will have another interview.. somewhere. (just kidding! michelle told me they ran out.) And then Michelle and I will go to LACMA or MOCA or maybe even both! That's exciting. Life is going to be exciting. Ad I've decided to put aside my silly little pride/ego and just drop AP Calc because, like June, I know that I'm going to be much happier without it. And bby princess has to be right. I also keep stubbing my toe and it's bothering me.
Actually, EVERYTHING is bothering me. Everything. Being here, eating dinner, not eating dinner, getting fat, working out, I'm just so discontent. Winter of my discontent, not even getting out of here would make me happy. I can't think of ANYTHING that would make me feel better. I did my nails and I think they're pretty but that isn't making me happy either. I'm thinking... and I can't. I know my life is great right? I have everything I want, materially, pretty much, except maybe a nice disposable and Heli-yum. Hahah. Actually. I think it's because I have.. too much stuff. That it's always a mess, no matter what, but I can't bring myself to get rid of anything in case I ever want it again. Huhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm, I do like F.Cuz, get-get-getting jiggy! But that's about it. Everything else is so grr.
I hope next time around I will have a reason to smile.


So I played like. Two hours of this today. Instead of studying for calc/ working on gov notebook. Eeeeh <3>( And idk. It's not as amazing as I & II buut I can't complain because of Axel. I also did my nails. Pictures.. later.

Friday, January 8, 2010


Lately, I've been thinking so strangely about the clouds & how they seem to slowly fade awaay.. yeah. omgah. No. Really. Since I went to San Francisco over winter break and like.. observed city life the way I wanted to live it, I've been thinking about my future. Not obsessively, I don't think. I would also like to take a moment to point out that I'm completely sideways while typing this. My bed, I am on it and my laptop is on the desk next to it and the are the same height. What an awkward positionnnnn. But yeah. It started off when we went to Alameda to drop some old lady off from the airport. Passed by Lum Elementary School and all these cute little shops and lovely little parks and cute houses, and I thought to myself, mm, what a nice place to raise my kids. And then I saw a couple pushing a stroller around Golden Gate Park and I thought that was so ideal. I remember being so against having children when I grew up, but I don't know, I guess, growing up? Growing some maternal instincts like for some of the underclassmen I've grown to care for dearly in a way that's beyond friendship. I know I can't protect them from everything but I try. Interesting fact.. on Compare People on fb, I'm currently voted 3rd best potential motherrr. Though I doubt I could ever really compare to Gunther or even my own real mommy. WHY DO I DIGRESS SO MUCH. But yeah. Aside from the whole family life that I am liking the idea of, I started thinking more and more about "ideal man" who used to be, with TLu, just "ideal boyfriend" and we talked about the things he would do. But I thought about the kind of person I would want him to be. And I thought about the guys I've liked and suchh (hi, i'm being vague) and the past and I'm sitll very not sure. I think I'll be continuously not sure until I meet him. I do know that.. He will need to put up with my incessant complaining and really strange ramblings/tangents/stories. I don't think that I really care for looks as much as I do for personality. Thinking back, there ahve been times where I completely disregarded a guy's looks... and it wasn't even like a one time fluke or anything like that. I don't think I've ever like.. sincerely liked a guy because of looks before. I don't count K-Pop stars because it's not real. Except for Tablo. He's the exception, I'm the rule? I don't know.

... What was the point of all this again?
Tomorrow I am going to get up early. I will paint a little constellation on my fingertips and maybe I'll expose myself as a Cassie and throw a little DBSK love into it all even though I'm planning on blue. Please don't break up, guys. My life would be unspeakably different without them, without k-pop. sigh. I am going to somehow, I'm not sure how, write two paragraphs of my Beloved essay. I'm going to finish my gov note book in its entirety. I am going to somehow decipher this chapter of calculus. Indeed. I'm tired. I don't want to sleeeeeeeeeeep. Feels like insomnia, even though I was narcolepsy last year. Goodbye.

Thursday, January 7, 2010



The story of the caterpillar can be summed up as such. From birth till an undisclosed time, the caterpillar eats. And eats and eats, everything in sight, all the time, for what? To roll himself into a cocoon, dark and moist, a time capsule of a different sort, a capsule of change. After a while, the caterpillar rips the cocoon from himself and emerges as something completely different-- a beautiful butterfly. Yes, yes, you nod. What's the point? We all know about how caterpillars turn into butterflies, how they are humble and rather ugly, creepy and crawly in the beginning but then go on to become something winged and extraordinary, the one insect that is not universally shrieked at. It's a thing of beauty, this transformation, it really is. And as we are so easily mesmerized by the beauty-filled flap of the butterfly wings, I have just one question for you. Does the caterpillar know that he is going to turn into a beautiful butterfly?

Think about it for a moment. Does the caterpillar think that it’s predetermined destiny is to simply eat until the end of time, and the things that happen afterwards, the cocoon, the evolution, is the caterpillar unaware of the transformation until he looks down at himself one day and realizes that he is no longer a measly worm-like thing? Or does the caterpillar eat and hold onto that will to survive, knowing that in the future, his life on the ground will be over soon and he will be granted wings to fly? Disregarding science and the development of insect brains, the life and changes of a caterpillar provide ample question and speculation, speculation that we can incorporate into our own lives. We are the caterpillars and our future selves our butterflies or perhaps just even larger caterpillars, as we wonder for sure whether we know what will happen then.

At the Musee Mechanique in San Francisco, there is a machine. “Steer the ship of your future!” it claimed, with dozens of future life options lit up before me. From pirate to doctor, it seemed everything was there, and I placed a quarter in. A moment later, “Nudist” flashed loudly before my eyes, my supposed destiny. I don’t know whether that’ll come true, but I do know that if that is my fate, then so be it. The caterpillar is a metaphor for us all, and we don’t know whether we’ll end up as butterflies or moths, so to speak, or whether we’ll remain forever a maggot. Caterpillars don’t know that they’re going to become butterflies and neither do we. The caterpillar strives to survive because the future is unknown, and only by clinging onto life can we even hope to see the potential beauty on the other side, in the future. All we can do is hope we find that cocoon of ours and perhaps we will blossom into something worth remembering during our short stint of life.

I love you baby nae nae naeyeojia.

Ok I promise I'm going to stop with these incessant San Francisco pictures and possibly take more? I don't know. I don't have time and I'm not very good. Finals are coming up soon. I am still failing calculus but I remain forever hopeful. I reallyreally hope that if I end up choosing to drop AP Calculus and just go into regular, that I am in Felicia's class. Because she's the only one I know in regular calculus. Ugh, I don't mean to sound pretentious and horrible, but I really don't like the environment of regular classes. There's this energy in AP/honors classes that has this like, motivation, this drive. That's also why I want to go to like, a better school for college because I need people around me to keep me motivated too. I know it's bad that I can't motivate myself, but since I know what works, I hope that life lets me keep doing things this way. And if I can't be in Felicia's class, pleasepleaseplease let me be in MattWang's class <# I guess out of the nextgeneration of Lee kids, I talk to him and Jonma and Melissa the most. Melissa doesn't even count though, because I see her in PowWow allllllll the time and we spazzzz about our Korean boys <3 It's good fun. I wish I were better at math.
Anyway, I'm completely failing at like, writing. This sounds like how I talk. I guess I don't want to talk how I write (not here) but I don't think I'm capable of writing the way I did last year. Ugh, please let my caterpillar article be the amazing article I've always wanted to write. We'll see!
Anyway. I got bored. And this was originally for Jane. Bopeepbopeepbopeepah! <3 Probably the most annoying/catchy song ever. Ok. I will do my homework now. Laters.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I Prefer Not To.

Note to self, Ray and Susanna introduced themselves to me the other day, so I have to remember not to engage in awkward Too Late Theory behavior.
Anyway. I guess since apps are in, senioritis has hit me pretty hard, as I'm taking another half day off. I have to go to calculus though because integrals are confusing! I'm doing better, I promise. I talked to Wilson last night because he gets jealous that I always talk to Edwin. jkjkjk. I guess lately I've accepted this failure, and most of my friends know about this crappy predicament I'm in, and sometimes I think about like, how qualified I really am to go to most of the schools that I'm applying to. I don't take thaat many AP's, but I think I take more than the average kid. I don't have the most stunning extracurriculars, but I don't sit around at home and do nothing all the time. I have a life, kind of. I'm not stupid, but I'm not incredibly smart either. But either way, calc grade is unacceptable. Hah. Pun. I guess that wasn't very funny because I've worked pretty hard these past years and I don't want it all to be for naught.

Definitely in a K-Pop mood. In addition to downloading the mainstream stuff (hello, Hyunah's new song, her voice isn't as annoying as it was in Hot Issue) I guess I'm.. backtracking? Not really, but I downloaded a couple of Brian Joo from FTTS songs, and they're goood. I guess.. more, like, legit music as opposed to just new stuff from my favorites. And I discovered that I like Hwanhee too, so I wonder if that means I would have liked FTTS... I'll find out, later. And ah, Luna! I heaard You are My Destiny for the first time yesterday and ohmygoodness, I love her so much <3>( and everything just seems so pointless. New schedules in a few weeks, but I doubt mine is going to get any better. Or more interesting.
Alright. Time to identify problems of the EU and make some antiderivative magic. It has been 7 days since I've done my nails. That is a testament to how busy I am.

Last thing: words can't describe how much I am indebted to Wikpedia. That is all.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A List of Things

I saw this dog at the Golden Gate Bridge, it looks like my friend's dog, Keleguo, except Keleguo is kind of a lot cuter. With college apps taking up most of my life and free time in the past 5 months, I've made many, many lists of things to do with my newfound freedom. Except, my calculus grade still really stinks so I'm going to have to hold off on that. And after first semester ends, percussion indoor season starts up, so I won't have that much free time either! Oh no. But here goes.
1. Learn how to cook. From easy things that will keep me going next year and the rest of my life to things that might actually impress people and not food poison anybody.
2. This kind of falls under the first one, but I want to be a good baker. Peppermint patty brownies sound like a good idea. And cupcakes, always cupcakes. And I will learn how to frost/ice better.
3. Get serious-er with photography and steal my dad's pretty SLR more often, perhaps. If time like.. allows. I don't know. Maybe not.
4. College dinner bet dinners! I hope nobody forgot about this. Here's how it goes down: each person picks their top two schools. If you get in, you buy everyone participating dinner. But you only have to pay once and nobody can have overlapping schools. If nobody gets in to any of the schools, we're going to just go out and eat.. sadly.. and pay for ourselves.
5. Train adventure! Which basically is getting off anywhere that looks safe/ interesting.
6. SPRING BREAK ROAD TRIP. I really hope this happens and that we get to go alllll the way up the coast to Washington and Seattle and maybe stop by Puget Sound for Amanda and Reed on the way, but I don't know if a week is long enough for that, but I really hope this happens.
7. Watch lots and lots of dramas
8. Spend time with people I haven't spent too much time with lately
9. Graduate!
Mm, I know I had more, but I'll update this as I think of more.

Today I didn't go to school. I am sick. With senoritis. The "Asian strain" which isn't staying at home lazing around or going out and hanging out with similarly afflicted friends. No. The Asian strain of senioritis basically means I stayed at home.. and did homework. I have 4 essays for Comparative Government due Thursday and I've barely started. A Beloved quiz, essays, questions, abstracts. Kind of pathetic, but what can I do?

I told Seven the bartender that true love is felonious.
”Not if they’re over eighteen,” he said, shutting the till of the cash register.
By then the bar had become an appendage, a second torso holding up my fist. “You take someone’s breath away,” I stressed. “You rob them of the ability to utter a single word.” I tipped the neck of the empty liquor bottle toward him. “You steal a heart.”
”Sounds like a misdemeanor to me”
”No way,” I said. “Once you’re in, it’s for life.”

-- My Sister's Keeper

So. I'm setting goals for this, for myself. Because there's a purpose behind everything. The one behind this is that I can't confine myself to tumblr and it's kind of lost its magic for me. I still need somewhere to write, though. Though all of this, really, is contradictory because I really do feel the most at home with pen, on paper. Go figure. But I'm here. To write. And maybe share some pretty things but not overload. Thoughts, opinions, life. First.
1. I am going to properly capitalize. Maybe all my sentences won't be gramatically correct, but I'll try.
2. I am not going to be pretentious-sounding intentionally. I circumlocute sometimes and i realize that's probably annoying. Straight up words with commas, nothing that I'm not, stylistically.
3. I am going to experiment with my writing. Switch up my sentence variety a bit. I've gotten so used to hiding behind my sweeping long sentences where things just tend to get lost, commas sprinkled in throughout--too many, of course-- to the point where i don't know what I'm talking about any longer and I don't expect you to follow me in this nonsense.
That previous sentence would be an example of sorts.
4. I will refrain from summarizing. There are other ways and life is a lot more interesting analyzed.
5. I am Chinese and superstitious and can't have 4 things on a list. So, just throwing this out there. At the same time, insight.
I kind of wish I started like, trying to write intensely earlier. Maybe this will become a chore. I remember when I didn't even like writing. Maybe this will die out, maybe it will flourish. But for now, I'm tired and I've posted a lot.

If anyone even reads this. Few hours, don't expect much.

Monday, January 4, 2010

“I sent Linden back to New Zealand. Green card ran out. It was either that, or get married.”
“What was wrong with her?”
“Absolutely nothing,” Seven confessed. “SHe cleaned like a banshee, never let me wash a dish. She listened to everything I had to say, she was a hurricane in bed. She was absolutly crazy about me, and believe it or not, I was the one for her. It was like, ninety eight percent perfect.”
“What about the other two percent?”
“You tell me. Something was missing. I couldn’t tell you what it was, if you asked, but it was off. And if you think of a relationship as a living entity, I guess it’s one thing if the missing two percent is like, a fingernail. But when it’s the heart, that’s a whole different ball of was.” He turned to me. “I didn’t cry when she got on the plane. She lived with me for four years, and when she walked away, I didn’t feel much of anythign at all.”
“Well, I had the other problem. I had the heart of the relationship, and no body to grow it in.”
“What happened then?”
“What else? It broke.”

-- My Sister's Keeper

the first few

hi guys! ok. i blog too much. i really do. i have a xanga that i haven't abandoned, but i have had for 4 years but i have used for more than 6. wow. and there's tumblr, 3rd year there but it's become a little stifling. i don't know. so here i am, constantly migrating. a real blog! as opposed to a more social type of thing. anyway.
i actually migrated from wordpress. because i got confused. i should probably go clean that up.
mm. i really do wonder if colleges hunt you down on the internet because i've left a blazing trail. but then again, i have nothing to hide. i'm a pretty straight edge. not to be confused with boring. or maybe a little? i hope not.
quickies about me. my name is tiffany. i'm 17. applying to college and waiting for march/april. i like life and narwhals and idk. i hope this is fun
new year, new blog, new adventure.