Saturday, January 9, 2010

Hey, pretty boy.

Today was not a very good day. Sigh. I wish my parents weren't so ready for me to leave. I got up today before all of them and one by one they left, without stopping to say good morning or good bye. Not telling me where they were going until I called my mom way later and she told me she was at Ikea... Even though I told her for weeks, literally, that I wanted to go to Ikea. And she was like let's go tomorrow. But I can't because I spent today feeling really lonely and abandoned and didn't get any homework done and I have a group meeting tomorrow and I don't know why it makes me so sad/mad when my family forgets things that I tell them over and over again, especially because I don't tell them much. Isn't that the whole point of repetition? To make a point stick?
To quote Kurt, I'm full of ennui. I don't know what it is. But lately, I really am not interested in doing things. The things that used to make me happy make me nervous, or worse, don't instill any sort of feeling at all. Sometimes I can elicit a smile from myself, but I don't know. I hate being lonely. I've basically forbidden myself from going out until my calc grade went up, but since it's not, and it won't, I'm just going to like, basically, self arrest myself for being so stupid and I won't do anything fun until this stupid semester is over. Everyone who told me was right: first semester senior year is the absolute worst part of high school ever. I don't remember being so upset and so lazy and so overwhelmed before in my entire life. Ever. I'll be glad when it's over. Annnd.. when it's over, I get to do something fun for about 3 hours. And then 3 hours of percussion practice. There, another, thing, percussion has gotten me so down lately. Like... I'm filled with so much dread, mostly because I suck. But after last night's practice, I feel better about it. With synths, with the prospect of playing loud, with me getting most of my part down alright.. Things are looking up, but I don't feel anything. And that weekend, I will have another interview.. somewhere. (just kidding! michelle told me they ran out.) And then Michelle and I will go to LACMA or MOCA or maybe even both! That's exciting. Life is going to be exciting. Ad I've decided to put aside my silly little pride/ego and just drop AP Calc because, like June, I know that I'm going to be much happier without it. And bby princess has to be right. I also keep stubbing my toe and it's bothering me.
Actually, EVERYTHING is bothering me. Everything. Being here, eating dinner, not eating dinner, getting fat, working out, I'm just so discontent. Winter of my discontent, not even getting out of here would make me happy. I can't think of ANYTHING that would make me feel better. I did my nails and I think they're pretty but that isn't making me happy either. I'm thinking... and I can't. I know my life is great right? I have everything I want, materially, pretty much, except maybe a nice disposable and Heli-yum. Hahah. Actually. I think it's because I have.. too much stuff. That it's always a mess, no matter what, but I can't bring myself to get rid of anything in case I ever want it again. Huhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm, I do like F.Cuz, get-get-getting jiggy! But that's about it. Everything else is so grr.
I hope next time around I will have a reason to smile.

No comments:

Post a Comment