Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Got my drop form today

I'm sad. Lately I've been skipping out of calc because I hate being like, in that class. I go to Lee's, I wander around, I went to Galloway's once, but she kind of kicked me out. But today I was feeling particularly down. Like this feeling I get when I'm overwhelmed, that I can't even really breathe properly. So i went to Galloway's because I know she'd give me a hug and it was so nice. I miss APUSH! They were arguing for test points the way we always did, with Ray sitting in Winston's seat in the back doing the EXACT same thing, asking for 30 seconds, talking super fast in that speech-kid manner. It was nice. And I chilled with Bonnie and talked to Matt and Michelle because they sit right in front of herr. Thenn... I went back to class.. and Ms. Wang was like, so, Tiffany, where do you go for like those half-periods when you just disappear? And so I kind of just chuckled and sat down really fast. But the sad thing is that it doesn't even really matter, right? Not that much, anyway. Last year I never would have dared to do anything that would even possibly portray me in a negative light, but now I just don't care. And it's not even for rec's because last year I never really cared that much about it. It's just an overall I-don't-give-a-crap feeling about everything, school, life, existing. It makes me sad that I just don't care about anything anymore ):
But at the same time.. it's like, oh, Ms Wang actually NOTICES when I'm gone when all this time, the reason I always left was because I thought she never noticed and didn't care. She's really nice. And a really good teacher and the only reason I'm doing so badly is all my fault. So there's really nothing I can do about it and I have nobody to blame but myself. And idk.
Then after school, Matt and I went to go get our drop slips and it was nice, not having to do it by myself this time.. moral support! But when we walked back away back to H6 because that's where the cool kids kick it, we saw Ms. Wang and Mr. Silah walking together. And since we both needed the latter's signature to drop our respective calc classes we were like ohhhh. And kind of walked a little shifty sideways to hide our drop forms, which is silly because, they're going to know. I mean, at least Ms. Wang will know that I'm dropping because I have to show her. And.. idk. At least I have a calc-drop buddy? And I guess tomorrow we will go hunting for Mr. Silah and get our form signed all good and stuff.
And the thing that I'm feeling is that... Why can't I be strong enough, smart enough, good enough to keep pushing through calc? I don't know. I wish I were... But yeah. Even though I feel like crap that basically all my friends went through, took AP Calculus, aced it, and I am 1. taking it a year later than everyone else and 2. failing. Well, that's just pretty damn disheartening.
C'est la vie, cannot wait to get this over with.
But my teachers of last year, I couldn't ask for better ones <3 Like, they are all so freaking amazinggggg. Annnnnnd I checked the status of my Wellesley app online and everything is turned in (: So that is good. And I'm glad I don't have to worry about like, getting in recs on time or anything because they are so amazing and have finito'd.
AWRIGHT. Since I am banned from Tumblr..
1. meeting @ michelle's @ 7pm
2. gov note book, going to finish tonight!
3. finish half of my beloved essay, for reals.
4. do calc homework and the resubs for the past week
5. as many resubs as I can do before ktfo
6. I guess. redo my nails.. because my nervous tension has resulted in me peeling mine off today. They were pretty though ):

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